this is a test, this is only a test ••••••••••••••••••
(disclaimer: this will not be well written. as a rule, i don't follow writing rules.
also, there will be a lot of sidenotes because i am attracted to sidenotes.)
i think i'm a restaurant critic, among other things.
i think, therefore i am, so here you go:
my first visit to il gatto, a new restaurant in minneapolis~
i can't like it. i tried, me no likie. i went to visit a friend that works there and hoped to sit with him. no such luck. it was really busy. 'oh, charlotte, you nitwit, it's restaurant week. what are you doing dining out?! it may as well be valentine's day. run away!' some minutes later, 'oh, nevermind, they're not doing restaurant week. they're just busy for no apparent reason. maybe they're busy because this joint is super fabulous.'
we'd been in there one other time for drinks only. it was so unmemorable, i don't remember it. and no, i only had one drink, if that's what you're thinking....
the inside is perfectly fitting for the new uptown. the wall you face walking in is full of logs. i see some exposed HVAC hardware. in the room where we sat, by the wall of windows, one wall is brick red, one wall is elephant grey. what is this area? are we in the bar?
i like the giant artsy cat posters. and i very much fancy the name "il gatto", just like i fancy the phrase "oh my gato!" two different cultures, i know. i like the cats but the naughty cat stuff, i'm on the fence. trying too hard? i don't like it, i don't not like it. at least they're trying, i suppose.
our server came over shortly after we sat. he spoke so fast i thought his lips were going to jump off his face and run away. he was very excited. he was very animated. i'm sure he was very busy but he was borderline scary. he did the right thing by asking if we'd dined there before. when we answered negatory, he gave us a one line introduction to the restaurant that went something like this: "well, we're italian and have dishes from all over italy." i see. i don't expect him to tell me about the artichoke festival in sicily or anything, but why even bother with that? he did a quick run down of the menu. all i remember is this: "the small plates are good for one per person." i see. i do remember there were no descriptions, there was no guided tour, there were no recommendations. he didn't have time if he wanted to, he had to go. he was nice though. for a hyper blond guy. ;)
i ordered a limoncello mojito and kris ordered a gin & tonic, or something boring like that. they took forever and a day to make it to the table, but at least they made it. this gave us time to complain about the music and how loud it was. the group of a million girls sitting at the table behind us yelling and cheering didn't help. we also wondered whether or not the windows opened and if they didn't, why not? i think we missed figlio, slightly. or at least what it represented - old school uptown.
i like to order fancy pants drinks when dining out. i have no idea why, i rarely like them. the recipe tasted like equal parts rum and limoncello (yum, rum! reminds me of johnny depp - another yum for gypsy pirates! i will write another blog someday about limoncello and maybe even lemons, i adore them so). there was plenty of mint but the pieces looked whole and i prefer my pieces in pieces. it was garnished with a sugar cane stick and kris decided that meant there was no simple syrup, which made sense because i didn't taste any. there was probably a splash of soda but you couldn't tell. being one never to complain when my drink tastes like pure alcohol, i shook and stirred the contents wishing warmth to the glass to melt the ice. when that didn't work and i felt drunk after half my pint, i dumped my water over the top and fixed the drink. all in all, it gave me an idea: limoncello mojitos at my house for all my friends! are you there limoncello? it's me, charlotte.
were we supposed to get bread? we didn't. the table next to us had bread.
dear italian restaurants,
you must always serve bread. always. capiche?
thank you,
charlotte
***
dear other restaurants,
you don't have to.
you're welcome,
charlotte
charlotte
i detest having to ask for water. i know, i know, conservation, i know. i agree with that but often times when i dine out, i feel like if i ask for one more thing, my server might kick me. why can't you just offer? i wouldn't even be offended if they said, "would you like a glass of water? i'll bring you one but you have to promise to drink the whole thing and eat all of the ice cubes." i never know if i have to ask for water or not. in hawaii, i knew, but i don't know here. so, i wait. i wait a really long time to see if they will bring it or not because i don't want to annoy someone that has every intention of bringing it when it's supposed to be brought. or why can't they just tell me, "water is served on request". they could give me a choice of bottled water so i have an opportunity to tell them that iced is fine, unless they have san pellegrino aranciata, then i'll take that! and if they are going to bring it automatically at some point, they could definitely say, "water is on the way" or some variation using their own words.
i devoured three pieces of leftover pizza bianca this morning. it was yummy. but last night, the crust was so chewy it gave me a headache. my aching head stole the thunder from the sweet onions, pancetta and fresh thyme. i wanted to like it, i really did, but it hurt me to eat it. "ouch.... ouch..... ouch......" i thought, as i tried to get through my second and last piece. kris ate three pieces. usually, he eats a whole pizza. i kept thinking about punch pizza. i LOVE everything about punch pizza.
sitting on top of the pizza box in the fridge was a chinese to go container filled with linguini con vongole. this in itself bothered me. isn't that dumb? it totally shouldn't bother me. i love those boxes. i think they are especially cute for gifts and baked goods. had this been an eclectic, non-themed restaurant or asian, i would not have noticed the box.
i have had vongole pasta many times, many places. it's always different, just like bolognese, just like carbonara, just like fried rice. and that's the beauty of dining out. i have never not liked it before. it sits in my refrigerator now, waiting for one of the people that live here to fix it. it came to us with flat clamminess - no bright lemon, garlic, anchovy, white wine, olive oil, parsley or crushed red pepper flakes, much less any creative ingredients. my 11-year-old daughter's pasta recipes have more complexity than this one. this dish made me feel like a fool for ordering it.
fish and chips: i ordered it, i'm guilty. it sounded good! and the fish was good but i was not aware that this is italian fare. is it? ok, i just googled it and learned about the first fish and chips in ireland being sold by an italian immigrant. i see. anywho, the fish was pleasing - super white, super flaky, a batter than was not too thick and not too light. the tartar sauce was no palomino recipe with artichoke hearts and capers but it was a simple kind of good. what was that sweet marinara sauce? a chutney? just a marinara? idk but with a heavy pinch of crushed red pepper flakes, i thought it was a tasty treat. the pecorino fries really lured me in. had i not ordered the fish and chips, i'd have ordered just the fries. and i'd have been disappointed, that's all i have to say about that.
you know what was my favorite part of il gatto? marinated artichokes with mint served in a glass jar on a wooden board with some very rustic but buttery bread. yay, bread! kris said this tasted like toothpaste but i thought it was wonderful, the highlight of my visit. for the record, he thinks everything with mint tastes like toothpaste.
it was at this time that i also tried to think of a name for "refreshing" to add to that category of tastes, like the guy that threw umami in there for savory joining salty, sour, spicy and sweet. kris chuckled at me and debated "umami" for a second: "charlotte, that means 'deliciousness' or some shit like that."
"right." i responded. and now i want to add "refreshing" to describe palate cleansers - things like sorbet and mint. and then i laughed a lot, "is that really what the japanese word means?!"
i just looked that up too. umami means "flavor" or "taste". and it is exactly what that stupid clammy pasta was lacking, which could've been easily fixed with some melted anchovies, i'm not recommending msg or anything.
what's the japanese word for "palate cleanser"?
finally, we had dessert. i am catching a cold and do not allow my house to eat sugar while we are sick so this was a point of contention for me and kris. he just doesn't understand my addiction to sugar. i would allow my cold to develop, it had already been decided. i ordered the olive oil cake with blood oranges and ice cream. it turned out to be a fancy name for strawberry shortcake. i'm not sure my health was worth it.
and that was the end of my long awaited visit to one of minneapolis' newest dining destinations.
i'm sure i'll go back at some point, for some reason. but i don't think kris will.
